Thoughs and updates

     So for the most part a lot of good has come into my life.  Of course a lot of that goodness was already exsistant and I was too emo or immersed in myself to see it.  But yeah.  I have an excellent job.  I am working 34 hours a week which is great.  I won't say I love my job but I don't feel the flee or fight notion anymore.  I can sit in one place for the whole hour and not feel the notion that I have to escape.  It is a great feeling to know that I am safe.  I have coworkers that keep me safe.  Safe in the sense that I am treated as a human being.  Not an object.  Not looked at as a sex toy.  But yeah...The hardest part of my job would have to be dealing with the parents.  Kids are adorable and more often than not do not know better.  They are trained by their parents.  It is a saying around work that this job is either the best form of birth control or the best parenting training.  It is so true.  The things I see every day which could be easily fixed if parents just put their foot down is to many to count.  The classic is the 5 minutes to 20 minutes scenero where the parent says we are leaving in 5 minutes and the 5 minutes turns to 10 minutes and continues from there.  I am sure that it is hard to have your child screaming and kicking and wanting to physically hurt you along with emotionally when trying to teach them a lesson, but if the parent does not put their foot down and teach it the child will never learn.  This is why as much as I am willing to adopt if I never get married or have children of my own, I do believe it is important to have a two parent family when having children.  This allows the other spouse to step forward comfort the spouse that has just been through battle with the child. It also provides a solid front for the child to know that if one parent says we are leaving or to do one thing the other parent will agree.  I know I am not a parent and someday when i look back at this I may laugh at myself and see how stupid this thoughts were.  But for now this is my theory. 

So thats my life at my job. I am trying to learn how to take care of myself.  A long slow process.  Its hard when its just for you.  Doing things just for myself seems so unproductive.  When its for someone else you can see the benefit.  You can see the smile that makes your heart sing for joy.  But for yourself alone...its just seems daunting.  The biggest thing is my weight.  I have come to be okay with how I look.  But the problem is others do.  So shouldn't that be enough for me?  Shouldn't that be my motivation?  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it isn't.  But I guess my biggest problem is learning how to take care of myself.   I just don't know how.  I guess its because for most of my life others have taken care of me.  My whole life has been about others.  Which is great.  But maybe thats why I have no common sense or think so outside the box.  Maybe thats why i am learning how to do things oh so late in life.  But the cool thing is I am learning.  I am learning how to make funds meet, be in a masters program, keep a full time job, and so much more.  But I guess the next thing to learn is who to take care of me.  Besides the checklist of eat, shower, dress, there is so much I don't know.  There is so much more that I have to take care of before I can fully say I am taking care of myself. 

 So much now I am learning that one person is not alike another and when one persons seems to be understandable is when they are far from it.  People are not in a box just like I am not in a box.  Each person is special in their own way.  The joy of life, of friendship, is learning more and more about what makes that person special.  Thats what friendship is to me.  The joy of learning more and more about a friend and seeing how the past makes who they are.  Each person has a story.  Each story is equally as important.  Thats why I enjoy friendship.  It makes two people feel complete.  Each person has something to give.  Each person has something to receive.  Its finding the balence.  Thats what I am not good at yet. But its something to learn.   

So yeah....I am learning how to take care of myself.  Someday I would like a boyfriend.  A guy who wants me.  A guy who will care about me and maybe that guy will lead me to wanting a husband.  Cuss right now that idea scares me.  One guy for the rest of my life.  No way...right now...

Love....

So I started this blog not really understanding the word love or the defination of love.  I was confused because in today's langauge love and like seem to be interchangable in some situations.  I understand that love is one notch above like, but it seems like it use to be that when some one said I love this or that it was a major declaration.  Today those statements are just thrown around with I like this and I like that.  This interchanging of words seems to happen in nearly any situation and no one thinks twice about which word was meant to have been spoken.  Any situation except people.  There is still a really meaning behind I love you.  I am glad for this because if I am fortunate enough to hear this from someone I want to know he actually meant it.  The Greeks were smart.  They had four different words for love and each meant a different level of love.  No one had to be confused if it was a causal love or serious love.  Wish there was a way to incorporate this in our every day english. 

So how did this all come about?  Why was I thinking about the word love?  Because of 1 John.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  It makes me wonder if i truely understand God if I have trouble loving people.  How do I handle it when people don't love me?  Turn the other check is easier said than done sometimes.  So I love people but which form of love is God talking about?  Not that it should matter necessarily, but its a process and I need to know where the starting gate is.  Love is very confusing. 

Is ignorance bliss?

A common phrase we hear as a child is "Ignorance is bliss."  But as I have grown to become an adult, I have learned how false that statment is in certain situations.  The not knowing about something can often times hurt the outcome more than knowning even the smallest piece of information.  Dont get me wrong, there are situations where the not knowing has it place, but that number has become smaller and smaller.  The only time I could see not knowing, thus ignorance is bliss, is when there is a stressful situtation at front and the information another individual has has nothing to do with the situation and would cause more stress.  Then ignornace is bliss.  But in any other situation I do not see how not knowing benefits the person making the decision.  If the person enters blindly into the situation, then they could make matters worse because they would be acting in the same manner they have always acted. 

To often it seems that people believe that people are mind readers which is ironic because if people were mind readers, then those same people who wished people were mind readers would be upset.  A mind is a sacred place because its our private santuary.  No one can read our minds.  True a lot of time people can read our emotions through our facial expressions or our eyes, but they can never read our minds.  Which is what annoys me about people who expect people to know what they are thinking or feeling with out rightly telling them outloud.  I get that we should learn to read peoples body language or facial expressions or moods, but all that can be deceiving or if read wrong lead to a big mess.  I don't have an answer to this problem I see but I guess its a live and learn process. 

change

Its interesting how some people love change.  I use to be one of those people.  I still am in some regards.  I love when it is organized change.  Planned change.  Change that I can get my mind around.  But when its unasked for change I go crazy.  Frantic.  Anxiety attack every two seconds.  If someone asked my opinion even once I could handle it.  Some peopel though can't handle it at all.  I could roll with the punches.  Things changed in february.  Last february.  A major change. A major cost.  A cost so great that it almost cost me my life.  I still don't see my life as something worthy of value.  Sometimes I can.  But most of the time I see it as a means to an end.  I am a means to an end.  I feel trapped at times.  Its a helpless feeling.  So helpless.  :(  Trying to change it but its so hard. 

Test

Second post test....will fix later

:(

From since last February, it seem all I have been doing is trying to survive in one way or another.  Again I can't type.  Again I can't put into words whats in my head.  Again my body hates me.  Again I feel like I want to die.  But why.....Maybe I can do some later on.....